With post #52, Sauron’s Blog began the story of Beren & Lúthien (told from Sauron’s point of view). Now, the epic tale continues, as Sauron learns that Beren and Lúthien have stolen a Silmaril from the Iron Crown of Morgoth…
The Mouth of Sauron, Lieutenant of Barad-dûr, Herumor’s Heir, and Rightful Chief of the Dúnedain reports that Sauron’s Blog has a new URL and WordPress theme. It’s a refreshing alternative to that Book of Elvish Lies.
With post #52, Sauron’s Blog began the story of Beren & Lúthien (told from Sauron’s point of view). Now, the epic tale continues, as Sauron chases Beren south into Doriath, where the Man will first encounter Arwen’s great-great-grandmother…
From extra-geeky web comic xkcd: a “movie narrative chart” featuring character interactions from the Star Wars trilogy, Jurassic Park, 12 Angry Men, Primer and The Lord of the Rings.
I don’t know if it’s funny — but it’s very cool.
So Carcharoth brought this Gorlim into my dreadful presence — clearly the Orcs, and then Carcharoth, had been pretty rough on the little guy. I was in my “colossal wolf” form, which I wear most of the time now, because it’s scary, I don’t have to wear clothes, and I can poop wherever I want.
…guess who gave these idiotic Elves the idea to build hidden cities? No, guess! Ulmo! Remember that asshole? He’s the Valar responsible for water. Wow, that’s great, Ulmo — you’re in charge of one entire molecule! Me, I designed the metaphysical template of the cosmos, and was responsible for designing all the transition elements and all the metals and metalloids. And antimatter. And dark matter. But you’ve got dihydrogen oxide. Good work, dude!
In view of this, I received your contact through a friend and counselor, an ingenious wizard, who noted you as a Burglar who wants a good job, plenty of Excitement and reasonable Reward. And I and my twelve companions have agreed to give you 10% of the total gold and jewels that the dragon Smaug now rests upon if you can join us on our long journey. When you have agreed please tell us the place where you dwell and send one hundred pence so that we might travel to you.
First off, we finally — finally — launched a finished, fully-functioning Flying Fire-Breathing Monster version 1.0. On the official paperwork these things are called Úruloki; I wanted to call them the Great Worms, although they don’t look very much like worms. But when the first one attacked the Elves, they all ran away yelling “dragon! Dragon!” Which I think means “I’m crapping my pants in fear!” in elfy-talk.
As our first assault in the new war, I got to try out my patented Pyroclastic Attack. See, we dug so deep at Angband that we hit magma, so I designed a series of sluices that brought the magma up into giant reservoirs. Last night we blew the floodgates, and millions of metric tons of lava, ash and poisonous gas burst out onto Ard-galen, converting what was a hideous plain infested with bright green grasses and sickly white flowers into a beautiful wasteland of basalt and hyaloclastite. Yes!
Why didn’t Frodo just ride an Eagle straight from Rivendell to Mt. Doom, and drop the One Ring into the lava? We know Gandalf was buddy-buddy with some giant Eagles, who rescued him from Orthanc and later snatched Frodo and Sam from certain immolation. If the Eagles can pick up the Hobbits from Mordor, why can’t they take them there as well?