Considering the many issues on the ballot in this important American election, I asked myself what I usually ask in these circumstances — What Would Sauron Do?
Here’s how I think a handful of Tolkien characters would react to the current election.
Gandalf wouldn’t vote. His mandate from the Valar is clear – advise, but don’t participate. And don’t suddenly declare yourself the lord of any city, unless the proper lord goes batshit insane and tries to immolate himself and his son. Then you can take over long enough to install some unknown foreigner who grew up in a forest as the new king.
But I digress.
As for whom Gandalf would advise you to vote, he would be torn between McCain’s strong military stance against Mordor, and Obama’s pledge to reverse the worst excesses of Denethor’s disastrous reign. Chances are he’d back Ron Paul, as Gandalf would be quite keen to see a hobbit in the White House.
Everyone in Hobbiton knows Bilbo is a staunch Republican, whereas most other hobbits practice a kind of agricultural anarcho-primitivism that is inconsistent with either party. But Bilbo is well known to have acquired his vast wealth in foreign lands in a somewhat shady manner, and most Halflings are suspicious of Bilbo’s ongoing relationships with such rascally elements as Dwarves and Wizards.
Although Bilbo is known to be somewhat free with his money, he opposes taxes of any kind and promotes free markets, perhaps because Bilbo is the only hobbit outside Bree who does any trade with foreigners. He is also strictly against foreign interventionism, and promotes the teaching of a Silmarillion-based creationism in Shire schools.
But the best evidence that Bilbo Baggins votes Republican is that he is a heavily closeted gay man.
Elrond is a staunch Obama supporter, largely because he identifies so closely with the Illinois senator. Both men come from two different races, yet have found themselves to be considered leaders by both ethnic groups. Elrond is half Mannish, half Elven, while Obama is half African and half European. Elrond has chosen his Elven half as his primary identity, mostly for the benefit of immortality. Obama has chosen his Black half as his primary identity, mostly for the benefit of… er… well.
Furthermore, Elrond is chief executive of Rivendell, a non-profit foundation that offers shelter and food for weary wanderers. Rivendell has fallen under suspicion in recent days for its supposed political and terrorist affiliations, as Elrond has been closely associated with controversial figures such as Galadriel and Gandalf. Also, his paternal great-grandfather’s nephew was Maeglin, a political dissident who betrayed the city of Gondolin.
Sauron supports John McCain, and plans to give the Arizona senator a beautiful gold ring should he win the election.Tags: Bilbo Baggins, election, Elrond, Gandalf, Humor, politics, Sauron