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Humor

The Periodic Table of Middle-earth Elements

01.09.10 | Kunochan | 2 Comments

When I try to combine my love of Tolkien with my love of science, things like this happen:

meperiodictable_470x353Click on image for full size (1200×762) version.

Guide to the Middle-earth elements:

1. Illuinium: the material from which Illuin, the lamp of Helcar, northern of the two Lamps of the Valar, was made. Illuinium is required to synthesize Telpirium.

2. Telpirium: element present in the Dew of Telperion, the Silver Tree of Valinor. Telpirium is required to synthesize the lunar material Tilium.

3. Tilium: the supernatural mineral from which the Island of the Moon is made.

4. Air: the clear gaseous ether that fills the Firmament and gives life.

14. Water: a clear liquid that fills the seas, floats in the air as clouds, and gives life.

23. Angainorium: the supernatural mineral from which the smith Aulë forged the chains used to bind Morgoth. Also called tilkal.

24. Copper: natural mineral from which Hobbits make kettles.

25. Iron: mineral used to create, amongst other things, the Iron Crown of Morgoth that bore the holy Silmarils.

26. Silver: a shiny mineral.

27. Gold: the metal from which Sauron forged the One Ring. Also used for dental fillings.

28. Galvorn: a shining black metal created by Eöl the Dark Elf in the First Age.

29. Mithril: a hard, silvery metal found only in the Mines of Moria. Used to make Frodo’s underwear.

33. Silmarilium: a supernatural gemstone created by Fëanor during the Years of the Trees; it can capture and re-emit the radiation produced by Telpirium and Laurelinium. Any Elf or Ainu who encounters Silmarilium is overcome with the desire to possess it.

34. Ruby: a red gemstone.

35. Sapphire: a ruby that isn’t red. Also, a stripper name.

36. Emerald: a green gemstone, and a symbol of Ireland. Tolkien once said Ireland was evil. So there’s that.

37. Diamond: a clear, hard gemstone. Also, Pippin’s wife.

38. Arkenium: a white gemstone found only under the Lonely Mountain. The Arkenstone of Thráin the Old is the only known example.

39. Elessarium: a green gemstone containing radiation from Arienium; created by Enerdhil of Gondolin in the First Age.

40. Palantium: a glassy, crystalline stone created by Fëanor in Valinor. When properly enchanted, a sphere of Palantium will show you clips from other parts of the movie, plus a great flaming vagina.

41. Ormalium: the material from which Ormal, the lamp of Ringol, southern of the two Lamps of the Valar, was made. Ormalium is required to synthesize Laurelinium.

42. Laurelinium: element present in the Dew of Laurelin, the Golden Tree of Valinor. Laurelinium is required to synthesize the solar material Arienium.

43. Arienium: the supernatural mineral from which the Vessel of the Sun is made.

44. Fire: a heat-bearing, radiating plasma; also phloogoism.

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