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Humor

Tolkien Snaps!

12.09.10 | Kunochan | 2 Comments

Here are the best insults from a lengthy Facebook thread earlier today. Add your own in the comments!

Yo mama so fat, she sank Númenor.

Yo momma so stupid, she tried to send Gandalf a Shadowfax.

Yo mama so dumb, she thought Legolas was a paraplegic.

Yo mama so fat, she lives at Bag Beginning-to-End.

Yo mama so fat, the men of Harad thought she was an Oliphaunt. They threw a saddle on her and rode the bitch into battle.

Yo mama so fat, Shelob saved half of her for later.

Yo mama such a slut, they call her the Gap of Rohan.

Yo mama such a slut, they call her the Riven Dell.

Yo mama so dumb, she thought Rosie Cotton was a brand of tampons.

Yo mama so dumb, she claimed there were Elves at Helm’s Deep.

Yo mama so dumb, she argued until dawn and turned to stone.

Yo mama so fat, when she fell into the Cracks of Doom, she blocked them up.

Yo Mama so fat, they had to break up the world into Left-, Right- and Middle-earth to give her a place to sit.

Yo mama so fat, there were no eagles to carry Frodo to Mordor because they were all in orbit around her.

Yo mama so dumb, she gave Huan a treat when he spoke.

Yo mama so mean, she made Tom Bombadil cry.

Yo mama so slow, Treebeard got bored.

Yo mama so ugly, she explains where orcs come from.

Yo mama so hairy, she also explains where dwarves come from.

Yo mama so ugly, the Lidless Eye blinked.

Yo mama so fat, even the palantír couldn’t see all of her at once.

Yo mama so fat, the One Ring can’t grow big enough to fit on her finger.

Yo mama so fat, she left a ring around the bathtub that in the darkness binds them.

Yo mama so fat, Carcharoth the Red Maw choked.

Yo mama so ugly, the army up in the Paths of the Dead was really just hiding from her.

Yo momma so stupid, her gardener’s name is Samdumb.

Yo momma so stupid, when Frodo told her about the Witch-king, she asked “Which king?”

Yo momma so fat, she ate Bree on toast.

Yo mama so stupid, she thought Gothmog was a quarterly for emo kids.

Yo momma so stupid, she didn’t know they come in pints.

Yo mama so dumb, she thought Elrond wrote “Dianetics”.

Yo momma so ugly, Gandalf had to sleep with his eyes closed.

Yo mama so dumb, she thought Smaug was in L.A.

Yo momma so ugly, when she put the One Ring in her underwear drawer, Gollum said, “You can keep it.”

Yo momma so stupid, she thought Orlando Bloom did a good job playing Legolas.

Yo mama so stupid, when Sauron said “Mordor,” she called a carpenter.

Yo mama so dumb, she tried to make a little fort out of Legolas.

Yo mama so dumb, when she heard Gandalf say “Peregrin Took,” she asked “Where they take him?”

Yo mama so nerdy, she put these in her Tolkien blog.

Add more in the comments!

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