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The Red Book of Westmarch (Archives)

• Humor, Web Links

  Sauron’s Blog #68: It’s Been a Busy Five Centuries

  07.01.10 | Kunochan | Permalink | Speak, friend and comment!

  Another thing I’ve learned is that Celebrimbor is obsessed with recreating the Silmarils. It took a while for him to open up about this, as Galadriel and Gil-Galad both have come down on him for it. I encouraged him; but secretly, I think it’s a terrible idea. Those stupid rocks just drove people crazy, even Melkor, who stapled them to his head and walked around like a giant track lighting feature, whatever that is.

• Humor, Web Links

  Barad-dûr Size Comparison Chart

  04.22.10 | Kunochan | Permalink | 9 Comments

  A size comparison between Barad-dûr (the Peter Jackson version) and various other famous towers.

• Humor, Web Links

  Sauron’s Blog #57: Three Idiots, One Day

  01.09.10 | Kunochan | Permalink | Speak, friend and comment!

  I leapt to my feet, summoned a storm of lighting and smothering darkness in the sky overhead; covered the forest floor for miles in all directions with a greenish miasma that sucked the life from all things; howled a terrible howl that chilled the Sun, froze the blood, and was remembered in the whispered mid-winter tales of every mortal tribe living within a thousand miles for centuries to come; and leapt again, ready to rend the limbs from the poncy little poltroon, consume his soul and crap it back out down his throat.

• Humor, Web Links

  Sauron’s Blog #56:That’s It, I QUIT!

  12.14.09 | Kunochan | Permalink | Speak, friend and comment!

  With post #52, Sauron’s Blog began the story of Beren & Lúthien (told from Sauron’s point of view). Now, the epic tale continues, as Sauron learns that Beren and Lúthien have stolen a Silmaril from the Iron Crown of Morgoth…

• News, Web Links

  Sauron’s Blog Gets New URL and WordPress Theme

  12.03.09 | Kunochan | Permalink | Speak, friend and comment!

  The Mouth of Sauron, Lieutenant of Barad-dûr, Herumor’s Heir, and Rightful Chief of the Dúnedain reports that Sauron’s Blog has a new URL and WordPress theme. It’s a refreshing alternative to that Book of Elvish Lies.

• Web Links

  Sauron’s Blog #53: Melkor has completely lost his mind

  11.08.09 | Kunochan | Permalink | Speak, friend and comment!

  With post #52, Sauron’s Blog began the story of Beren & Lúthien (told from Sauron’s point of view). Now, the epic tale continues, as Sauron chases Beren south into Doriath, where the Man will first encounter Arwen’s great-great-grandmother…

• Humor, Web Links

  Sauron’s Blog #52: Why Can’t People Just Leave Me Alone?

  11.01.09 | Kunochan | Permalink | Speak, friend and comment!

  So Carcharoth brought this Gorlim into my dreadful presence — clearly the Orcs, and then Carcharoth, had been pretty rough on the little guy. I was in my “colossal wolf” form, which I wear most of the time now, because it’s scary, I don’t have to wear clothes, and I can poop wherever I want.

• Web Links

  Sauron’s Blog #51: Rooting Out Elves Is Like Digging for Chiggers

  09.30.09 | Kunochan | Permalink | Speak, friend and comment!

  …guess who gave these idiotic Elves the idea to build hidden cities? No, guess! Ulmo! Remember that asshole? He’s the Valar responsible for water. Wow, that’s great, Ulmo — you’re in charge of one entire molecule! Me, I designed the metaphysical template of the cosmos, and was responsible for designing all the transition elements and all the metals and metalloids. And antimatter. And dark matter. But you’ve got dihydrogen oxide. Good work, dude!

• Web Links

  Sauron’s Blog #49: Melkor 1, Noldor 0

  08.11.09 | Kunochan | Permalink | Speak, friend and comment!

  First off, we finally — finally — launched a finished, fully-functioning Flying Fire-Breathing Monster version 1.0. On the official paperwork these things are called Úruloki; I wanted to call them the Great Worms, although they don’t look very much like worms. But when the first one attacked the Elves, they all ran away yelling “dragon! Dragon!” Which I think means “I’m crapping my pants in fear!” in elfy-talk.

• Web Links

  Sauron’s Blog #48: The Battle of Sudden Flame is ON!!!

  07.10.09 | Kunochan | Permalink | Speak, friend and comment!

  As our first assault in the new war, I got to try out my patented Pyroclastic Attack. See, we dug so deep at Angband that we hit magma, so I designed a series of sluices that brought the magma up into giant reservoirs. Last night we blew the floodgates, and millions of metric tons of lava, ash and poisonous gas burst out onto Ard-galen, converting what was a hideous plain infested with bright green grasses and sickly white flowers into a beautiful wasteland of basalt and hyaloclastite. Yes!

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