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The Red Book of Westmarch (Archives)

• Humor, Web Links

  Sauron’s Blog #57: Three Idiots, One Day

  01.09.10 | Kunochan | Permalink | Speak, friend and comment!

  I leapt to my feet, summoned a storm of lighting and smothering darkness in the sky overhead; covered the forest floor for miles in all directions with a greenish miasma that sucked the life from all things; howled a terrible howl that chilled the Sun, froze the blood, and was remembered in the whispered mid-winter tales of every mortal tribe living within a thousand miles for centuries to come; and leapt again, ready to rend the limbs from the poncy little poltroon, consume his soul and crap it back out down his throat.

• Humor, Web Links

  Sauron’s Blog #56:That’s It, I QUIT!

  12.14.09 | Kunochan | Permalink | Speak, friend and comment!

  With post #52, Sauron’s Blog began the story of Beren & Lúthien (told from Sauron’s point of view). Now, the epic tale continues, as Sauron learns that Beren and Lúthien have stolen a Silmaril from the Iron Crown of Morgoth…

• News, Web Links

  Sauron’s Blog Gets New URL and WordPress Theme

  12.03.09 | Kunochan | Permalink | Speak, friend and comment!

  The Mouth of Sauron, Lieutenant of Barad-dûr, Herumor’s Heir, and Rightful Chief of the Dúnedain reports that Sauron’s Blog has a new URL and WordPress theme. It’s a refreshing alternative to that Book of Elvish Lies.

• Web Links

  Sauron’s Blog #53: Melkor has completely lost his mind

  11.08.09 | Kunochan | Permalink | Speak, friend and comment!

  With post #52, Sauron’s Blog began the story of Beren & Lúthien (told from Sauron’s point of view). Now, the epic tale continues, as Sauron chases Beren south into Doriath, where the Man will first encounter Arwen’s great-great-grandmother…

• Humor, Web Links

  Sauron’s Blog #52: Why Can’t People Just Leave Me Alone?

  11.01.09 | Kunochan | Permalink | Speak, friend and comment!

  So Carcharoth brought this Gorlim into my dreadful presence — clearly the Orcs, and then Carcharoth, had been pretty rough on the little guy. I was in my “colossal wolf” form, which I wear most of the time now, because it’s scary, I don’t have to wear clothes, and I can poop wherever I want.

• Web Links

  Sauron’s Blog #51: Rooting Out Elves Is Like Digging for Chiggers

  09.30.09 | Kunochan | Permalink | Speak, friend and comment!

  …guess who gave these idiotic Elves the idea to build hidden cities? No, guess! Ulmo! Remember that asshole? He’s the Valar responsible for water. Wow, that’s great, Ulmo — you’re in charge of one entire molecule! Me, I designed the metaphysical template of the cosmos, and was responsible for designing all the transition elements and all the metals and metalloids. And antimatter. And dark matter. But you’ve got dihydrogen oxide. Good work, dude!

• Web Links

  Sauron’s Blog #49: Melkor 1, Noldor 0

  08.11.09 | Kunochan | Permalink | Speak, friend and comment!

  First off, we finally — finally — launched a finished, fully-functioning Flying Fire-Breathing Monster version 1.0. On the official paperwork these things are called Úruloki; I wanted to call them the Great Worms, although they don’t look very much like worms. But when the first one attacked the Elves, they all ran away yelling “dragon! Dragon!” Which I think means “I’m crapping my pants in fear!” in elfy-talk.

• Web Links

  Sauron’s Blog #48: The Battle of Sudden Flame is ON!!!

  07.10.09 | Kunochan | Permalink | Speak, friend and comment!

  As our first assault in the new war, I got to try out my patented Pyroclastic Attack. See, we dug so deep at Angband that we hit magma, so I designed a series of sluices that brought the magma up into giant reservoirs. Last night we blew the floodgates, and millions of metric tons of lava, ash and poisonous gas burst out onto Ard-galen, converting what was a hideous plain infested with bright green grasses and sickly white flowers into a beautiful wasteland of basalt and hyaloclastite. Yes!

• Web Links

  Sauron’s Blog #47: The Race of Men is a HUGE Disappointment

  06.27.09 | Kunochan | Permalink | Speak, friend and comment!

  So Eru decided to create a mortal race, the Elves, that looks like hairless albino apes. Fine, He likes primates. Then that talent-free dumbass Aulë made the Dwarves, which are just fat stunted Elves. Well sure, Aulë is as creative as the average colon, and produces the same product. No wonder his race is just a bad copy of Eru’s.

• Web Links

  Sauron’s Blog #45: Why Does Everyone Care So Much About These Idiotic Rocks?

  05.14.09 | Kunochan | Permalink | Speak, friend and comment!

  This Fëanor guy, who sounds like he might have been pretty cool if he’d been on our side, created these three glowing crystals out of the Light of the Idiotic Trees. Indeed, it seems that the Stinking Valar Traitors might have been able to use the Silmarils to heal the trees, if Fëanor hadn’t refused to give them up. Good for him. But why Melkor chose to steal the Shiny Rocks of Stupidity is beyond me. In fact, if he had just left them for the Valar, they could have resuscitated the trees, and we wouldn’t have to hide from a Sun or a Moon. Good work, Melkor!

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